Come On Irene

I've prepared for this storm as much as I feel is necessary (I bought a bunch of junk food and went to the liquor store, see above), and now I'm just looking forward to a Sunday Funday. The power might go out, so I've got some candles (actually, my roommate already had about 10,000 tea lights for some unknown reason), but it probably won't. Unlike me, everyone else in the city is FREAKING OUT, due in large part to the sensationalism of the news media, and I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I went to the store just to buy orange juice (for cocktails) and Doritos (for deliciousness), and everyone there looked at me like I'm an idiot. I want to make a t-shirt that says "I have lived through 15+ hurricanes, I know what I'm doing, you assholes." Maybe I'm being a little cavalier here, but mostly I think I'm just being right. I win. I win the hurricane. Back off.
Also, a note to New Yorkers: It'll most likely be a Cat 1 by the time it gets here. The water is too cool up here to sustain a massive storm, so you can stop rehearsing for your news interview when you describe the atrocities of a storm that was basically just a windy rainstorm. This isn't Katrina, calm down.
A friend of my roommate's is having a "Come on Irene" hurricane party, which I thought was terribly clever (hence the name of this post), and now I have this damn song in my head and I think you should, too. Enjoy! Come on Eileen, Dexy's Midnight Runners.

Storm's A-Brewin'

Looks like Hurricane Irene is going to probably hit New York, and people are starting to freak out. I'm not. You see, I grew up on the Gulf Coast and have lived through upwards of 15 storms, including Katrina (and Ivan, for that matter, but since Ivan only destroyed uncool parts of the South, like the Florida panhandle, no one really gave a shit). Having lived through all of these storms, here are some pro tips to stay safe and happy during and after a hurricane:
1. Make sure you have flashlights and batteries, or candles, if you're a hipster. As my father called to tell me, for added safety put your candles in a glass jar so as to keep from catching anything on fire. As my father also reminded me (because he apparently thinks I don't understand how fire works), don't put the lids on the jars when the candles are lit, as the candle will then go out.
2. Get some jugs of water and food that doesn't need to be refrigerated and/or cooked. The food thing makes total sense, as the power could very likely go out, but I've never understood the water thing. I assume at some point a hurricane destroyed some water mains, but I've never had water shut off because of a hurricane. Ever. I guess it's best to be prepared, but you can probably look forward to having several jugs of water hanging around your apartment for a while.
3. You might want a battery-powered radio. Because your power will be out, you'll need this archaic piece of technology to stay up-to-the-minute on storm news. Unfortunately, that means you'll have to listen to DJs ramble on about nonsense, but that's the price you'll have to pay if you want to be informed. Sorry.
4. No matter how cool it looks, don't go outside during the storm. There could be falling tree limbs and power lines and...you know what, this is bullshit. I have gone outside during most hurricanes for which I've been present and I've been fine. Obviously, if it's still a Cat 3, this might be a bad idea, because of the hundreds of mph winds that will probably knock you down, but I leave it up to your judgment. Definitely go out if the eye passes over. The sky turns a really weird color and it's creepily still, definitely something to see.
5. Be sure to have plenty of booze on hand. This is a given any time, really, but it's especially important after a hurricane. The power is going to be out and you're going to be bored as shit. Once you realize that a 700 square foot apartment doesn't really give you a lot of room for flashlight tag and you're sick of making wax balls from the candles and you've realized that the light bulb was invented because trying to do anything by candlelight sucks, there is literally nothing else to do but get hammered.
6. Charge your phone. Better yet, buy a solar charger, because I have a feeling a good majority of people might actually have nervous breakdowns if they couldn't use their phones. Many moons ago, people had magical devices called "house phones", and it was very rare to lose one's telephone service because of a storm. Sadly, it seems we have actually regressed in that sense.
7. Don't worry about charging your computer. Your power's out; the internet won't work no matter how much you cry. Don't be an idiot.
8. Keep your shotgun in plain sight to ward off looters. They'll be everywhere.
9. Get ready to loot! It is a little known fact that when the power is out, all laws become moot and anything you've ever wanted is up for grabs.
10. Try not to open your refrigerator/freezer too much, that way, the 16 pounds of buffalo wings in your freezer will have better chance of staying frozen longer. Don't want to waste that investment!

Those are the best tips I can think of right now, but I'll be certain to update this if I think of anything else. A fun game you can play right now is to figure out which of these tips are real and which are totally made up. Have fun!

So There Was an Earthquake Today...

Well, there was an earthquake today on the east coast, and pretty much everybody is acting like it was the end of the world. The epicenter of the 5.9 magnitude quake was in some made-up-sounding place called Mineral, VA, where there are apparently a lot of nuclear power plants, which is not at all unsettling. When the shock waves hit NY, I was sitting in a movie theater watching The Help, which was awesome, and it felt like all the muscles in my legs had started spasming. I got really worried for about a minute, I actually thought I was going crazy, but then it stopped and I promptly forgot about it. Until I left the theater. As I was walking down the street I heard some dude screaming into his phone that there had been an earthquake in Brooklyn. That confused me until I remembered my "leg spasms." Then I felt like an idiot.
Luckily, nothing too bad happened here, and, from what they're saying on the news, no severe damage has occurred. Still, really weird day. I'm sure everyone on the west coast is rolling their eyes and acting all aloof, because the babies on the east coast have flipped out about a little 5.9 magnitude earthquake, but it's a damn weird feeling. We don't do that kind of thing on this coast. That's why we live on the east coast. That, and because it's obviously superior in every way, but I digress.
I must say that between an earthquake on the east coast, tornadoes in the Southeast earlier this year, and Hurricane Irene thundering towards the coast, I'm not so sure those Mayans were as full of baloney as I had thought. I'm just going to go ahead and say that if another weirdo natural disaster happens any time soon, I'm going to start gearing up for the dystopian post-apocalyptic landscape. Anybody got a cheap bowie knife I can buy? Also, you best believe I will not hesitate to go to the library in hopes that Jake Gyllenhaal will be there to save me/fall in love with me.

Pathetic and Hilarious

I know everyone has already seen this, but it's just so damn funny I had to. After four years of rush, I understand you have to to really awful, stupid things sometimes, but this just takes the cake. Bravo, Alabama. Thank God no one at UGA has ever done anything this embarrassing.

The Fear

Somehow, for the second Friday in a row, I'm unbelievably hungover. I mean, I know how it happened; I understand how booze works, but I'm not sure why I keep getting drunk on Thursdays. Wasn't that supposed to stop when I graduated? I guess it's probably more something that happens when you get a job, something I still haven't been able to get.
Ah well, back to my hangover. This morning I woke up with a bad case of the Fear. I know that's something usually reserved for those who enjoy a touch of the nose candy (or what-have-you) and Hunter S. Thompson, but I get it from drinking too much cheap pinot grigio on an empty stomach. And, even if I was tempted to begin dabbling in drugs, I drunkenly decided to watch Trainspotting on Netflix last night and am now terrified of everything, yet deeply in love with Jonny Lee Miller and Ewan McGregor. What was I talking about? I just started drooling on my keyboard. Oh, the Fear, yes. You see when I woke up this morning to the incessant ringing of my doorbell because I forgot I had signed up to have the exterminator come this morning, I was terrified. Anyone who has been insanely hungover knows this feeling, but may not have had a name for it until now. You're welcome. It's that feeling that if you get out of bed you will absolutely dissolve into a puddle of sadness and despair; when you can't complete a single thought and your arms and legs feel like lead weights attached to your jelly torso and having to talk to a single other human being makes you break into a cold sweat. Know that feeling? I assumed as much.
This is the way I've woken up the last two Fridays in a row, and frankly I'm intrigued to see if this pattern continues. It wasn't a conscious choice. Last Thursday I went out with a friend, which I think is a good reason to be hungover the next day. Last night, however, I didn't do anything. I just bought a bottle of wine and watched Jersey Shore. I guess it would be possible to blame my hangover on that show, but let's be honest, I started drinking at 7, and I had forgotten that it was Jerzday. I'm an idiot.
One good thing that came out of this sad, sad routine is a fantastic Fear playlist on Grooveshark. And so I invite anyone and everyone who had the Fear this morning, and even those of you who are actually responsible human beings, to partake in this fine selection of songs:
Choices, George Jones
The Galway Girl, Steve Earle
Every Man I Fall For, Cold War Kids
Devil Town, Tony Lucca
I Will Follow You Into the Dark, Death Cab for Cutie
Sleeping Sickness, City and Colour
Talk Show Host, Radiohead
No Cars Go, Arcade Fire
When the Lights Go Out, The Black Keys
Town with No Cheer, Tom Waits
One Big Holiday, My Morning Jacket
We Are Nowhere and It's Now, Bright Eyes with Emmylou Harris
Jolene, Ray LaMontagne
Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise, the Avett Brothers
The Ragged Sea, Alexi Murdoch
West Coast, Coconut Records
It'll All Work Out, Tom Petty
End of the Line, Traveling Wilburys

If it helps just one person get out of bed and face the mistakes they made last night, the last hour that I wasted putting together this playlist will be worth it. No need to tell me how awesome it is; I know.
I just found out when I googled "the fear" to find a picture for this post that that is the name of a Lily Allen song. I will not put it on my playlist. Sorry. Sort of.

National Book Week

Well, I just found out that it's National Book Week, which makes me very happy, but also makes me feel like an idiot for not knowing this until Tuesday. So. Many. Emotions. Anyway, in honor of this most joyous occasion and ridiculous made up holiday, here's a list of books that I've read lately and greatly enjoyed.
1. Just Kids, Patti Smith: Her memoir about her early days in New York and her friendship with the photographer Robert Mapplethorpe. The prose is beautiful and poetic, and Smith tells her story with the sort of forthrightness that could only come from the Godmother of Punk. I highly recommend this for anyone who has ever romanticized what it is like to be young, poor, and talented in New York City. It also won National Book Award, so it must be good, right?
2. This Is Where I Leave You, Jonathan Tropper: The story of a man returning home to sit shiva after his father's death from cancer, it is also the story of a dysfunctional family at it's most vulnerable. Dealing with the recent infidelity of his wife, the death of a father with whom he had a strained relationship, and the stress of being trapped in his childhood home with his 3 siblings and sex-therapist mother, the narrator tells a tale both heart-breaking and darkly hilarious.
3. Gilead, Marilynne Robinson: The narrator, a preacher in a small Midwestern town, has come to the end of his life, and so, to deal with the fact that he will be leaving behind a much younger wife and his very young son, he has set about to write a letter detailing his life and his ancestors' lives so that his son may at some point know the man who died when he was so young. Both beautiful and heartbreaking, it is the type of book that will reaffirm your faith in human kind.
4. A Girl Named Zippy, Haven Kimmel: Another memoir, this tells about the childhood of a very funny, very strange little girl in rural Indiana in the 1960s and 70s. It outlines her family, friends and her struggles with faith as a small child. It's hilarious at some points and poignant at others, a very light read that can be easily finished in a day or two.
5. One Day, David Nicholls: The movie version of this starring Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess (that guy from Across the Universe) is out soon, so I suggest reading this asap. It's the story of two people and their lives together and apart over the course of twenty years, each chapter covering the same day (July 15) of each year. It's like a Nicholas Sparks story, but well-written and clever. Oh, and it will make you cry so many times. If it doesn't, you have a cold robot heart, and I don't want to know you.

Those are the best that I've read lately, but of course, any book is worthy, just as long as you're reading and learning. And as long as it's not actually a Nicholas Sparks book; that doesn't count.

Watch the Throne

Yesterday Kanye and Jay-Z's new album Watch the Throne dropped and I don't know how I feel about it. I also don't know how I feel about the fact that I've become one of those people who use the word "dropped" in that context. Back to the album. I've listened to it twice now in its entirety and I've listened to a few tracks more than twice, and I have to say that overall, this album is not good. Maybe if it was the sophomore effort of some B-list rap duo that was only famous for that one super catchy single that was stuck in everyone's head last summer it would be acceptable, but this is freaking Jay-Z and Kanye mothafucking West. I expect more from them. The track "No Church in the Wild" is fantastic and I really love "Made in America", but, not to be over dramatic, "Otis" made me want to fly to London just so I could join in on the riots. It sounded like I was driving around in my car, listening to "Try a Little Tenderness" at a reasonable volume, and some dickbag pulled up next to me blaring his cousin's shitty rap demo album. It's fantastic that they wanted to pay tribute to the King of Soul, and I laud that effort, but rapping nonsense over his singing is not much of a tribute. It just sounds like they were listening to Otis in the studio and forgot to turn it off before they started recording. Ducky's lip synch in Pretty in Pink was more of a tribute than this drivel.
Then there's the song "Ni**as in Paris." Not only is the title delightful, but it seems to have almost nothing to do with the rest of the song, except for the line where they say "ni**as in Paris and they going gorillas," which I assume has something to do with going bananas or perhaps going ape shit? When I first saw the title I assumed it had something to do with racism in France, which would be very much worthy of commentary, but it's not; it's just Ye and Jay rambling about being rich. Cool? I also don't know what to think about this song when it appears alongside a song like "Made in America", which comments on the strides made in the past century by African-Americans and "No Church in the Wild", which comments on the role of religion and celebrity both in history and modern society. Basically, this album is half powerful, thoughtful verse that elevates rap to the level of poetry, and half mumbled nonsense with the same trite rhymes about being rich and famous that make people hate rap. Of course, there's every chance that I'm an idiot and I'm missing the point. Maybe the half of the album that sounds like garbage to me is meant to sound that way as some sort of meta statement about the rap industry in general. Or maybe they just got sloppy because they tried to put out an album too quickly.
In short, I think I'm just irritated because I really love Jay-Z and Kanye and I expected better from them. Maybe I just need to listen to the album again.

How I Feel About Harry Potter

I have been hesitant to make this post for about the past month for a couple of reasons. 1) A lot of my best friends (including my roommate) are absolutely obsessed with Harry Potter. 2) I would like to try to submit it to real websites where they'll pay me to write, and often those sites won't accept stuff if it's already been published, and, apparently, putting stuff on my stupid blog that about 4 people sometimes read counts as "published" which makes about as much sense as the things I'm about to make fun of.
I decided to go ahead and "publish" this because I figure if I can get more people to read my blog by posting my best writing, other people will ask me to write more articles for which I will get paid. Hopefully.
Anyway, these two rants were inspired by my midnight viewing of the most recent Harry Potter, my texts to my brother about that viewing, and an article from Sports Illustrated he sent to me later about Quidditch leagues on college campuses. In short, I'm worried about our generation.
DISCLAIMER: I do not hate Harry Potter. The movies are entertaining, and I'm sure the books are great for a lot of people who aren't me. That said, it's still a series for children and teens and no amount of arguing will elevate the stories and writing beyond that plateau, so please stop trying to convince me.

Rant 1:

The Harry Potter showing last night was freaking horrendous. The movie is good, well, as good as it could be. I enjoyed it, but the fans are so pathetic; it's depressing. First of all, Lyndsay made me get in line an hour early, as I told you, and the line stretched around an entire city block. If you already have tickets, which means that you have a seat inside, why the hell are you waiting in line? I understand not wanting to sit in the front row, but come on. And the amount of middle-aged adults that were in line sans children kind of made me want to join those people who always protest the movies with signs that say things like "Harry Potter=Satan." Every time something even marginally entertaining happened, they either applauded (a reaction to movies that has never made the slightest bit of sense to me; do they have that little impulse control that they can't help but clap for people that aren't really there?) or laughed so hard that I couldn't hear the movie, which really annoyed the hell out of me. Several people cried, and it took every bit of my energy not to start laughing hysterically. How are they having such strong reactions to something they already know is going to happen? It's not like the acting is that amazing or the writing that incredible. I honestly don't understand what happened to our generation (and apparently the one that preceded us) that so many people cling so desperately to the story of a bespectacled wizard child, a story of good v. evil that is about as original as a body switch movie. Are people's lives that pathetic that they have to throw themselves so totally into a series of children's books? It actually worries me. A lot. I also realized that by going to the movie last night, I'm part of the problem. Yikes.

Rant 2 (in response to this):
I already knew that there were doofuses playing quidditch on college campuses, but I had never seen pictures before, so it didn't seem real to me until now. As a result, I have many questions.
1. Why do they need the brooms? In the books/movies the brooms are how they fly, but, since we are not in fact in the mind of an old hippie who took too much of the "bad acid" in 1967 staring out a window, brooms do not fly, so they seem to just be a way to actually make the game harder.
2. Since there is no such thing as a "golden snitch" in this non-peyote-fueled world, do they just throw a tiny ball at each other really fast?
3. What happened in their childhoods to make being on a quidditch team seem like something that is not going to make future friends and employers either laugh or back slowly away?
4. Why is Sports Illustrated publishing this? Have they just decided that because print media is becoming outdated that they no longer have to have any sort of credibility and who really gives a shit anymore anyway?
5. Did everyone in the country just get smacked on their little heads with a ball-peen hammer when we were out of the country at some point?
Thanks, Sports Illustrated, for making me want to totally divorce myself from my entire generation. Harry Potter is a wonderfully fanciful children's book that should be read and enjoyed. The movies are entertaining and well made. But when people start taking things they see in movies and books and acting them out in real life we end up with a country full of fat, pale, middle-aged people living in their mothers' basements. It's all yours, China; I'm out.

Also, I am glad that your Potter viewing experience wasn't nearly as horrific as mine. I understand that plot lines are often recycled, and that's perfectly fine, but it's when people take something like Harry Potter, a dumbed-down version of Lord of the Rings as you said, and act like it's freaking Citizen Kane is when I begin having problems.



Again, Harry Potter is a lovely series, but obsession over anything is worrisome to me, especially when that anything is a wizard series aimed at the 9-16 age bracket. I know that I'm not the coolest person on the planet (I'm wearing a Three Keyboard Cat t shirt), and that I've momentarily become obsessed with certain pop culture phenoms (I once spent around 8 hours googling Robert Pattinson. He's good-looking, I'm not made of stone, give me a break), but, like many well-adjusted humans, I let things go after a few days or weeks; I don't adopt a lifestyle so that every aspect of every day reflects some fictional world. In 100 years (if the Mayans were wrong, that is), there will be whole psychological theses published on this specific brand of personality disorder. Rant over. Maybe tomorrow I'll rant about Kanye and Jay-Z, because this new album is insane, and I don't mean that as a compliment.

Photo: Michael J. LeBrecht, Sports Illustrated

Big City Living

I just read over my last few posts and realized that I bitch a lot about being unemployed, so I'm going to give that a rest for now and walk you through an average day for me in the Big City. Refer to the picture at left if you're more of a "visual person." It was taken about 10 minutes ago. Yes, my glasses are on my head, because, as my grandmother told my mother when she was a child, I "look so much prettier without my glasses." Almost every picture of my mother from the time she was 10 features her with glasses on her head or in her hand. Knowing that fun fact about the level of functionality of my family, please enjoy a day in my life.
1) Wake up around 9 or 10 and look out the window for a couple of minutes and hope that it's raining or at least overcast so that I won't feel like as much of a piece of shit for what I'm about to do next.
2) Pee. (Hint: this is not the part I feel like a piece of shit about. It's a normal bodily function)
3) Get a Diet Coke and my computer, turn on the TV, and play on the internet for the next few hours. I generally prefer to watch The New Adventures of Old Christine and How I Met Your Mother first, then go through the guide to find an episode or 4 of Law and Order. Little known fact: It is a law in New York State that an episode of one of the Law and Order franchises must be playing on some channel at all times. Failure to adhere to this ordinance will result in a fine of up to $500 and being forced to watch the guy from Criminal Intent freak out for 24 hours straight.
4) While watching TV I set arbitrary little deadlines for myself to either get up and shower or apply for jobs on Media Bistro. The deadline is usually the next hour. For example, right now it's 2:16, so I'll get up at 3. (Hint: I probably won't)
5) Finally make myself get up, shower, apply to a few jobs while waiting for my hair to dry, grab a book and my journal and get out of the apartment.
6) Try to find a place just like Walker's in the city. Fail. Sit at the least threatening looking bar and try to read.
7) Write down horrible things about the other people in said bar.
8) Get slightly drunk.
9) Walk home and think about how it's just a matter of time before I'm a well-known, beloved American authoress.
10) Think about how underused the word "authoress" is these days.
11) Resolve to repopularize the word "authoress."
12) Sit on the couch and play on the internet and watch TV with Lyndsay until she goes to bed, because she has a job and I'm not bitter.
13) Get in bed and set my alarm for 8 because I'm going to get up and exercise and write all morning.
14) Play on the internet or watch BBC miniseries on Netflix until 3 am. Turn off alarm.
15) Fall asleep to dreams of being rich and famous.

Mixed in with all of those things are several minutes of me talking to myself or pretending to talk to others (usually famous people), because I'm totally delusional. Right now I'm wearing a Three Keyboard Cat Moon tshirt given to me by my brother for Christmas last year. I have no qualms with wearing this shirt in public. If anything, living in New York has made me really really not give a shit about anything, and, I must say, I'm pretty happy about that.
I suspect my parents think I'm depressed, because I spend so much time alone. Clearly they never paid any attention to me at all as a child, because if they had, they would know that I love being alone. That whole "talking to myself" thing is actually really fun for me, because then the conversation always goes how I want it to go and I always get in the best one liners. Why would I want to talk to someone else where I could (and probably would) sound stupid when I can talk to myself and sound awesome? Yes, I do have a very inflated sense of self, and no, I don't feel bad about that. I'm better than you. I always win.
Well, I guess I should get back to my schedule. I've got to change the channel, because some Law and Order knock off show is on and I'm scared I'm going to get in trouble.
Here's the new Jay-Z and Kanye West album Watch the Throne about which I'm very conflicted, as you will know if you follow me on Twitter.