Valentine's Day

Finally, it's everyone's favorite pseudo-holiday: Valentine's Day! Since you're single (because there's no way you're reading this blog if you have absolutely anything better to do), I thought I'd share some of my best things to do alone on Valentine's. Not to brag, but I've had 23 years of experience; I'm kind of an expert on the subject.

-Buy a cat: an obvious choice, I know. But they don't call it a classic without a good reason!
-Eat the entire box of chocolate your roommate's mom sent you, because she feels sorry for you.
-Watch a Law and Order:SVU marathon. It will help to remind you that the outside world is a scary place, no one can be trusted, and you're better off not leaving your apartment anyway!
-Drink alone.
-Read stories of true love on the internet and cry.
-Lay in the fetal position and cry.
-Cry.
-Learn the entire dance from the "Call Your Girlfriend" video.
-Watch Taran Killam's version of the "Call Your Girlfriend" dance 100-200 times.
-Imagine a scenario in which you and Taran perform the dance to the applause of millions.
-Drink more.
-Send weird, passive-aggressive texts to your friends in relationships.
-Tweet feverishly about how you "hate Valentine's Day and it's just a holiday created by the greeting card companies to make money omgggggggg"
-Send yourself flowers. Even though no one will see them but you, because you don't have a job, it helps reinforce the lie. Lying to yourself is very healthy.
-Laugh bitterly about how if you abbreviate Valentine's Day it's VD. That'll show those suckers who are in love hahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha.
-Get a text from your mother that says "HVD! Love you!" and wonder if she understands how that could mean something entirely different and WAY disturbing.
-Blog.

Remember: being alone on Valentine's Day can be a good thing. Sure, you don't get presents (except maybe a bunch of chocolate from your roommate's mom) and no one tells you how much they love you/how pretty you are/how they can't imagine life without you, but you also don't have to shower or be nice to anyone all day. I love any excuse to not be nice to anyone all day. Also, I just want you all to know that I think of you as my Valentines. You love me, right? Right??? RIGHT???????????????????????

Note: That is a real screen grab of a real conversation had by my 5 oldest friends and me. We're such assholes. In all fairness to us, Perrin was joking. As an added piece of fun, everyone has decided that whenever someone gets engaged, all of us will respond with "I'm vomiting."

Vermont: Everything is Cute

Sorry if you already read this on my Tumblr. Actually, I'm not. If you're reading both this blog and my Tumblr, you're clearly obsessed with me, so you're probably fine with reading the same thing again because you just love me so much. Ok, you're kind of smothering me. Cool it, crazy.

As you may have gleaned from my picture of the Vermont winter dreamscape a few days ago, I went on a little weekend outing to the delightful Green Mountain State. When I use the word “delightful” here, I mean literally “full of delight.” It is such a magical landscape of snow and pine trees and the FRIENDLIEST FUCKING PEOPLE EVER. Seriously, everyone in that state is so nice, it’s a little startling at first. I went to visit my idiot friend, Emily, and, every time I met someone new, she prefaced the introduction with, “You’ll really like them; they’re so nice.”

On Friday, we ventured up to Burlington for Emily’s law prom. Let me just say that everything about Burlington was delightful, but the best part of the evening, by far, was watching law students “have fun.” The first word that comes to mind is “goony.” It was just like high school prom if every single person at your school was a huge nerd. Watching people who never let loose and get drunk let loose and get drunk is really just incredible. You would think that after 4 years of college people would know how to go to a party and stay in a hotel over night without causing problems, but you’d be wrong. People were running around the hotel, breaking shit, smoking pot in the hallways, getting arrested. I was actually one of the most well-behaved people there, which is hilarious in and of itself.

On Saturday, after an absolutely fantastic brunch at Magnolia (including one of the best bloody marys I’ve ever had), Emily decided to take me on a driving tour of Vermont. It was on this cruise around the state that we coined what will inevitably become the new state motto. Vermont: Everything is Cute. The towns are cute, the people are cute, the landscapes are cute, even the occasional double-wide trailer was cute, if only because of its novelty. We then went across the border to Hanover, New Hampshire, where Dartmouth is located, and discovered that New Hampshire is also cute. Also, Vermont and New Hampshire are essentially the same state. There aren’t even signs to let you know you’re crossing the border, because they are the same place. It’s great.