I know that I am not the first to say this, nor shall I probably be the last, but as I sit at LaGuardia waiting for a flight to Atlanta, I cannot help but despair at the state of my fellow travelers’ vestments. Though I realize that flying is not the rarity and therefore not the special occasion that it once was, I can’t help but ask, “Does no one care anymore?” To look around at the people both boarding and disembarking, it seems that everyone has decided collectively to not give a shit how they’re perceived. While flying is a fairly unpleasant process, especially for those of us in steerage, and I don’t think it’s necessary to wear a suit or an Easter dress, would it kill people to not look like they had just rolled out of bed. Perhaps it would be a better experience overall if everyone came together and at least tried to look like they’ve achieved the level of success needed to be able to afford to fly. Even at my best, I generally look a touch rumpled and shabby next to my more stylish peers, so when I am one of the best-dressed people around, it’s not a good sign for society at large. Of course, there will be people who disparage this opinion, shouting, “Clothes are superficial! What does it matter what you wear so long as you know that you’re clever/successful/interesting?! Why should we kowtow to materialism and the status quo beauty ideal?!” To these people I will say, “Shut up. You are wrong, and here’s why.” Whether we like to admit it or not, the way we feel about a person on first meeting has a great deal to do with how they look. If a person is tidy and nicely dressed and appears well rested, we generally think of that person positively. Conversely, if a person appears slovenly and unkempt and like we’ve caught him readying for bed, we feel ill at ease, as if perhaps something’s gone wrong in their life and why on Earth would you want to be around a stranger in the middle of an emotional crisis? That’s just awkward for everyone involved. Obviously a plane trip is not an interview and if you would really rather be “comfortable” than have people treat you with respect, that’s your prerogative. Though as for that, who says you can’t be comfortable and also look like not a hobo?
This discourse leads me into a larger matter altogether. There are certain pieces of clothing that people insist on wearing that actually upset me upon sight:
The first offender: tennis shoes, or “sneakers” to our yankee brethren. There are precisely two times when it is appropriate to wear these shoes, and all of them involve physical activity. If you are exercising or performing manual labor, tennis shoes are 100% appropriate. They provide the proper amount of traction and support, as well as protection of the feet for such strenuous activities. If you wear them at any other time you just look depressing and you might as well change your name to Tiffani and move to somewhere in middle America, because I am sick of having to see you scuffling around.
The next offender is cargo anything. Ask yourself these questions when deciding whether it is appropriate to wear cargo pants: Am I in the military? Is this part of a required uniform? Am I doing some sort of construction that requires several easily accessible pockets in which to keep nuts and bolts and the like? If the answer to any of those questions is “Yes,” then congratulations, you are in the very tiny minority of people who are allowed to wear cargo pants/shorts. If the answer to all of those is, “No,” then climb back in your time machine, remember that it’s not 1997, and you look like a giant douche.
The next is going to involve some explanation, so stick with me here: hats. Not all hats are bad, but not every hat looks good on every person, and, in fact, it takes a very specific type of person to pull off a hat, and that type of person changes depending on the chapeau. For example, a straw fedora only looks good on the absolute hippest of hipsters; those of you trying to emulate the hipster style with a hat you picked up at Urban Outfitters, might want to look in the mirror once more. See that goon staring back? That’s you; now take off the fedora. Newsboy caps, on the other hand, look good on exactly no one and should all be burned. That may sound extreme, but it’s for your own good.
The final item I will discuss has not always been an object of my disgust; in fact, I am ashamed to say, I wore this item for many years and so am using my knowledge to help others. I also know that I'll probably get in trouble with a lot of my friends for saying this, but I'm willing to take that chance, because I am an innovator. Offender #4: Flip flops. Like the cargo pant, flip flops are appropriate at exactly two times: the beach/pool and communal showers. Actually, I’m being generous with the beach/pool, but it’s understandable that one would not want to get their cute sandals sandy/chlorine-y. Not only do these “shoes” (if you can even call them that) make a horrible sound, but they make everyone’s feet look fat and flat and sad, like little pig feet sprouting from enormous cankles. I have been told on more than one occasion that I have beautiful feet (seriously, and, yes, I realize how creepy that compliment is), so if they make my feet look bad, they must be truly awful. For some reason, the professional women of New York have decided that flip flops are the most comfortable shoes in the entire world and immediately change into them upon leaving the office. To them I must say, “You have a good job; you are obviously successful, so why do you feel the need to look like idiot trash? Go buy some Tory Birch flats and be done with it.” Of course, not everyone can afford Tory Birch, myself included, but luckily we live in America where you can get a comparable knock-off of just about anything. I’m sorry if I sound like a snob (not really), but I’m sick of being ambushed by sadness and anger every damn day. Take some pride in your appearance, or at least try not to look like a blob of melancholy.
