Signs That You Are a Pretentious Asshole

Have you spent nights tossing and turning, just wondering if your prentention was really enough to warrant the title of "pretentious asshole"? Sure, you had the Hermes ties or the Longchamps luggage, but was that enough to take you from simply snobbish to truly pretentious? Here is a list, a collaboration between my brother and myself, two of the most pretentious assholes you may ever come across, that can put your mind at rest. It was inspired by a blog post of the same name, that was simply insufficient. What they were describing was a hipster douchebag, and no true pretentious asshole would be caught dead drinking PBR or listening to Animal Collective. If at least 10 of the following apply to you, then congratulations, you are a pretentious asshole.

-You attended prep school (boarding is better, but day is fine), preferably in the Northeast or Virginia.
-You joined or plan on joining a country club immediately upon graduation from higher education.
-You have the numeral III or higher behind your name.
-You have referred to others as commoners, peons, rabble, prole (proletariat), LC (lower class), or not PLU (people like us).
-You insist on pronouncing non-English based words with their respective foreign accents and correct others when they do not.
-You snub those who attended public school.
-In college, you joined a top-tier fraternity/sorority and a secret society (if applicable).
-After college, you joined a secret society (again, if applicable).
-You refuse to eat Chili's, TGIFriday's, Bennigan's, or any other chain, eschewing them as "middle class," and opting instead for local dive restaurants because they are more "authentic."
-When someone walks by in particularly ostentatious garb, you roll your eyes and whisper "new money" to your group.
-You have an extreme aversion to "hip" bars and, instead, insist on wearing trendy clothing to dive bars.
-You frequent private clubs.
-You only use the word "classy" ironically, as no one raised properly would discuss class in such a crude manner.
-At least 3 of your 4 grandparents went to college during the Great Depression.
-You have engraved calling cards.
-You own opera-length kid gloves or a white tie and tails by the time you graduate from college.
-You have known what the term "costume de rigeur" means since you were 5-years-old.
-After college, you wouldn't be caught dead buying furniture from a furniture store.
-You know the difference between a "woman" and a "lady."
-You had to pick out china and silver patterns as a child so that your godparents could by you pieces for Christmas and birthdays, even though you are set to inherit silver and china from both grandmothers.
-You know that "season" has nothing to do with weather or time of year, but can either be good or bad depending on whether or not you're asked to be a deb or stag.
-You know that a true gentleman's club does not employ strippers, and escort is not a euphemism for prostitute.
-You know at least 5 people whose first names are variations on their mothers' maiden names.
-Whenever you mention a new friend, your parents want to know where they're from and who their people are.


Remember, you're either born to be a pretentious asshole, or you're not. If you weren't, it's okay, you're just less of a human than those of us that were.