Look At Your Life, Look At Your Choices

Lately, I've been going to a coffee shop to try to get work done, because when I'm at home my non-working mother is too much of a distraction. I know that makes me sound like one of those assholes who goes to Starbucks to "work on my manuscript" just so people will see me and be impressed, but I really cannot get anything done with my mom around, plus I'm doing actual PR work for an actual paycheck, so cool your jets. Moving on, today I was lucky enough to get a little extra entertainment. Instead of just listening to music like I normally do, I happened to sit down right next to two guys who are playing some sort of online video computer game together (sorry I don't know the lingo, I may have been a drama nerd in high school, but at least I wasn't a computer nerd). It seems to be a World of Warcraft-esque game, something with fighting and mining and planes or some shit. It sounds pretty goony. Anyway, the big, fat guy with a goatee and goofy glasses appears to be mentoring the skinny, awkward guy with greasy hair and a chinstrap beard. It's very Obi Wan/Luke meets The Big Bang Theory, which is a show I've watched exactly twice because I live with my parents so stop judging me, you jerks. Honestly, listening to them has made my having an absurd amount of work to do slightly bearable. Obi Wan is also wearing a blue tooth earpiece and discussing weapons and strategy with someone who is not present. From what I've surmised after listening to one side of the conversation, the other person may be in Romania. Cool. Also, the skinny guy is smoking one of those electronic cigarettes that uses water vapor that they advertise on late night television. It's pretty delightful. On a more depressing note, it appears that they are both married, so that makes me feel awesome about myself. I can't get a date, but the two goons who spend their entire Monday playing a computer game together are married? These guys clearly don't have jobs even though they appear to be in their early 30s, they know way too much about and try too hard at online games, and are frankly highly unattractive and they have significant others?! I need to get my act together. On a final note, they are apparently spending actual money to buy weapons and shit for this game. Jesus Christ, guys, look at your lives, look at your choices. I hate everyone.

UPDATE: They just left, and before walking out the door, Obi Wan put on a super sick fedora. Good hat choice, brah. Way to seal the spot for Kewlest Guy. You look super seksi.

Back Where I Come From

Well, after almost exactly 10 months in the city, I've come to a conclusion. I miss the South. I miss driving and having a porch and grass and trees and space. I never thought of myself as a super "Southern" person. I have travelled a bit in my life. I've been to Europe. I speak French. I enjoy meeting people of varied backgrounds. I thought, all of this considered, that New York would be the perfect place for me. I was wrong.
New York is an interesting place. There are over 8 million people in the boroughs, many of whom are not originally from New York or even the United States. At any given time, there are dozens of things to do. It's an exciting place. What I've learned in my time here is that I am not an exciting person. A perfect day to me is one spent drinking beer in the sunshine, maybe playing corn hole with friends, laughing and generally lazing about. New York is not the place for that. New York is the place for cool people. It's where you live if you like constantly being inundated with new sights and sounds and faces. It's where you live if you want to be on the cutting edge of music and fashion and culture. I thought that I wanted those things, but now I realize that I like a slow paced atmosphere. I'm a pretty laid-back person, and New York, as it turns out, is not a laid back town. So, on Tuesday, April 3 at 11:59 a.m. I will board a plane to the South. I'll be living with my parents for a few months before ultimately moving to my favorite place in the world, Athens, GA, in August. Hopefully moving back to Athens will give me the motivation I need to go to grad school. If it does, let's all just keep our fingers crossed that UGA will let me be a student there again.
Because so many people hold New York as the greatest city in the world, I was at first worried that I was some sort of a failure for not being totally happy here, but then I realized that New York being an incredible city does not necessitate my happiness. I think the important thing to remember is that New York is a great city, but you can only be happy in a city if you like cities, no matter how great or shitty. I have learned from my brief time here that I am not in love with cities, and I'm pretty sure cities aren't in love with me. I have nothing against cities, they're great for a visit, but I'm just not ready to commit.
To the people that I have met in the City:
Sorry I didn't really tell any of you I was leaving. I'm really bad at goodbyes. Actually, I'm just really bad at doing anything in person, hence the blog. You're all great, and I'll miss you. Thank you all for everything you did for me. I really do appreciate it, even if I'm not good at showing it.
The long and the short of it is that I came to New York to find myself, and I wasn't here. I think I may be in Athens, but then again, I have a very strong feeling that I may actually be on the West Coast. I'll let y'all know when I figure it out. For now, give me a call if you find yourself in the Portable City (that's Mobile, y'all).

I'm Doing a Cleanse, Because I'm Better Than You

Seeing as cleanses are the hip new thing to do right now, I’m sure you all have tried one, or at least know what they are. For those of you who have been living under a stupid rock, a cleanse is where you only drink weirdo powdered meal replacement things or only eat apples or something equally stupid for a specific number of days then you feel all better and you can be all condescending to your friends. In short, cleanses are really amazing (if you enjoy being condescending to your friends). Because I have around zero self-control and am a lady-child, I decided that there was no way in hell that I’d be able to not eat anything for a week, so instead, I’m just doing a sort of semi-cleanse. I drink a fucking disgusting delicious meal replacement “shake” in the morning and then try to eat grown-up food (meaning not candy and french fries) for the rest of the day. It’s going pretty well, but let me spin you a wee yarn about this grainy, seemingly silt-based, “vanilla” meal shake. I bought it off Gilt Group in a moment of temporary insanity, and have begun drinking it in a moment of sustained insanity. The powder itself looks and smells like cake mix, but, when combined with water as the directions suggest, it tastes like cold, liquid plastic. The worst thing about it is that it doesn’t taste bad enough to not drink it, but it doesn’t taste good enough to try to actually do a full cleanse. So now I’m stuck in a weird cleanse limbo, and I fear that I shall be here for the rest of my days. Farewell, society. I’ll miss you.

Valentine's Day

Finally, it's everyone's favorite pseudo-holiday: Valentine's Day! Since you're single (because there's no way you're reading this blog if you have absolutely anything better to do), I thought I'd share some of my best things to do alone on Valentine's. Not to brag, but I've had 23 years of experience; I'm kind of an expert on the subject.

-Buy a cat: an obvious choice, I know. But they don't call it a classic without a good reason!
-Eat the entire box of chocolate your roommate's mom sent you, because she feels sorry for you.
-Watch a Law and Order:SVU marathon. It will help to remind you that the outside world is a scary place, no one can be trusted, and you're better off not leaving your apartment anyway!
-Drink alone.
-Read stories of true love on the internet and cry.
-Lay in the fetal position and cry.
-Cry.
-Learn the entire dance from the "Call Your Girlfriend" video.
-Watch Taran Killam's version of the "Call Your Girlfriend" dance 100-200 times.
-Imagine a scenario in which you and Taran perform the dance to the applause of millions.
-Drink more.
-Send weird, passive-aggressive texts to your friends in relationships.
-Tweet feverishly about how you "hate Valentine's Day and it's just a holiday created by the greeting card companies to make money omgggggggg"
-Send yourself flowers. Even though no one will see them but you, because you don't have a job, it helps reinforce the lie. Lying to yourself is very healthy.
-Laugh bitterly about how if you abbreviate Valentine's Day it's VD. That'll show those suckers who are in love hahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha.
-Get a text from your mother that says "HVD! Love you!" and wonder if she understands how that could mean something entirely different and WAY disturbing.
-Blog.

Remember: being alone on Valentine's Day can be a good thing. Sure, you don't get presents (except maybe a bunch of chocolate from your roommate's mom) and no one tells you how much they love you/how pretty you are/how they can't imagine life without you, but you also don't have to shower or be nice to anyone all day. I love any excuse to not be nice to anyone all day. Also, I just want you all to know that I think of you as my Valentines. You love me, right? Right??? RIGHT???????????????????????

Note: That is a real screen grab of a real conversation had by my 5 oldest friends and me. We're such assholes. In all fairness to us, Perrin was joking. As an added piece of fun, everyone has decided that whenever someone gets engaged, all of us will respond with "I'm vomiting."

Vermont: Everything is Cute

Sorry if you already read this on my Tumblr. Actually, I'm not. If you're reading both this blog and my Tumblr, you're clearly obsessed with me, so you're probably fine with reading the same thing again because you just love me so much. Ok, you're kind of smothering me. Cool it, crazy.

As you may have gleaned from my picture of the Vermont winter dreamscape a few days ago, I went on a little weekend outing to the delightful Green Mountain State. When I use the word “delightful” here, I mean literally “full of delight.” It is such a magical landscape of snow and pine trees and the FRIENDLIEST FUCKING PEOPLE EVER. Seriously, everyone in that state is so nice, it’s a little startling at first. I went to visit my idiot friend, Emily, and, every time I met someone new, she prefaced the introduction with, “You’ll really like them; they’re so nice.”

On Friday, we ventured up to Burlington for Emily’s law prom. Let me just say that everything about Burlington was delightful, but the best part of the evening, by far, was watching law students “have fun.” The first word that comes to mind is “goony.” It was just like high school prom if every single person at your school was a huge nerd. Watching people who never let loose and get drunk let loose and get drunk is really just incredible. You would think that after 4 years of college people would know how to go to a party and stay in a hotel over night without causing problems, but you’d be wrong. People were running around the hotel, breaking shit, smoking pot in the hallways, getting arrested. I was actually one of the most well-behaved people there, which is hilarious in and of itself.

On Saturday, after an absolutely fantastic brunch at Magnolia (including one of the best bloody marys I’ve ever had), Emily decided to take me on a driving tour of Vermont. It was on this cruise around the state that we coined what will inevitably become the new state motto. Vermont: Everything is Cute. The towns are cute, the people are cute, the landscapes are cute, even the occasional double-wide trailer was cute, if only because of its novelty. We then went across the border to Hanover, New Hampshire, where Dartmouth is located, and discovered that New Hampshire is also cute. Also, Vermont and New Hampshire are essentially the same state. There aren’t even signs to let you know you’re crossing the border, because they are the same place. It’s great.

I Got a Tumblr!

That's pretty much it. Just wanted to let anyone who still reads this thing know that I got a Tumblr. Check it out here: http://aportablecity.tumblr.com/
As it's easier to just post little blurbs to a Tumblr, maybe I'll actually keep up with it more. Or maybe not! What a delightful intrigue! Stay tuned to find out.

I Am Terrified...

Because I think I might be a hipster. I was playing on the internet today and found this article on "Hipster Interests." As you probably know if you've been reading this blog with any sort of semi-regularity, I LOVE hipsters. And by "I LOVE hipsters," I mean that I think they're terrible and mainly enjoy mocking them. Moving on, I obviously had to read this article so that I could laugh at everything hip, and I did laugh...for about 10 seconds until I realized that I actually like almost everything on the list. I had never really thought about it that much, but I have seen all of those movies multiple times. And I own several of them on DVD. And watch them regularly. Ditto for most of the music. And I have been known to watch Shark Week, though that's usually at the behest of others, because I don't really care that much about sharks. Shit.
Although, now that I think about it, since I enjoyed most of that stuff without feeling like I was supposed to enjoy it just to sound cool in conversation, maybe I'm not trying to be a hipster, maybe hipsters are trying to be me. Yeah, I'm going to go with that. So all of you hipsters who follow my blog should also start reading P.J. O'Rourke (particularly Holidays in Hell) and listening to Childish Gambino. Get on it.