Looks like Hurricane Irene is going to probably hit New York, and people are starting to freak out. I'm not. You see, I grew up on the Gulf Coast and have lived through upwards of 15 storms, including Katrina (and Ivan, for that matter, but since Ivan only destroyed uncool parts of the South, like the Florida panhandle, no one really gave a shit). Having lived through all of these storms, here are some pro tips to stay safe and happy during and after a hurricane:
1. Make sure you have flashlights and batteries, or candles, if you're a hipster. As my father called to tell me, for added safety put your candles in a glass jar so as to keep from catching anything on fire. As my father also reminded me (because he apparently thinks I don't understand how fire works), don't put the lids on the jars when the candles are lit, as the candle will then go out.
2. Get some jugs of water and food that doesn't need to be refrigerated and/or cooked. The food thing makes total sense, as the power could very likely go out, but I've never understood the water thing. I assume at some point a hurricane destroyed some water mains, but I've never had water shut off because of a hurricane. Ever. I guess it's best to be prepared, but you can probably look forward to having several jugs of water hanging around your apartment for a while.
3. You might want a battery-powered radio. Because your power will be out, you'll need this archaic piece of technology to stay up-to-the-minute on storm news. Unfortunately, that means you'll have to listen to DJs ramble on about nonsense, but that's the price you'll have to pay if you want to be informed. Sorry.
4. No matter how cool it looks, don't go outside during the storm. There could be falling tree limbs and power lines and...you know what, this is bullshit. I have gone outside during most hurricanes for which I've been present and I've been fine. Obviously, if it's still a Cat 3, this might be a bad idea, because of the hundreds of mph winds that will probably knock you down, but I leave it up to your judgment. Definitely go out if the eye passes over. The sky turns a really weird color and it's creepily still, definitely something to see.
5. Be sure to have plenty of booze on hand. This is a given any time, really, but it's especially important after a hurricane. The power is going to be out and you're going to be bored as shit. Once you realize that a 700 square foot apartment doesn't really give you a lot of room for flashlight tag and you're sick of making wax balls from the candles and you've realized that the light bulb was invented because trying to do anything by candlelight sucks, there is literally nothing else to do but get hammered.
6. Charge your phone. Better yet, buy a solar charger, because I have a feeling a good majority of people might actually have nervous breakdowns if they couldn't use their phones. Many moons ago, people had magical devices called "house phones", and it was very rare to lose one's telephone service because of a storm. Sadly, it seems we have actually regressed in that sense.
7. Don't worry about charging your computer. Your power's out; the internet won't work no matter how much you cry. Don't be an idiot.
8. Keep your shotgun in plain sight to ward off looters. They'll be everywhere.
9. Get ready to loot! It is a little known fact that when the power is out, all laws become moot and anything you've ever wanted is up for grabs.
10. Try not to open your refrigerator/freezer too much, that way, the 16 pounds of buffalo wings in your freezer will have better chance of staying frozen longer. Don't want to waste that investment!
Those are the best tips I can think of right now, but I'll be certain to update this if I think of anything else. A fun game you can play right now is to figure out which of these tips are real and which are totally made up. Have fun!
