Child-Adult

Yo homies, I guess I'm back to the old blog grindstone (that's a saying, right? blog grindstone?). After many libations had been drunk (drank? drinkened? probably drinkened) I was informed that people actually read this nonsensical vanity project of mine, and that they would like me to update more frequently. Enjoy my incoherent babbling about being a giant baby.


A year after graduating from college, after a move to New York, a series of really random jobs that I basically fell into, a move back to Mobile, and a move back to Athens I have realized that I am not even sort of an adult. I joke about this all the time (as do 97% of Americans in their early 20s according to a statistic that I made up to sound more credible), but it's really really true. That's not really the point of this post, though. The point of this post is to discuss the weird habit that people my age have of calling ourselves "old." At first it was funny to talk about how "old" we were because we remember things like cassette tapes and the magical time before cell phones and some of us have jobs and enjoy going to bed at 10 pm, but now it's just gotten kind of weird. So I am here to admit, in front of God and my peers, that I, Julia Siesel Oppenheimer, am 24 and extremely young. I think we've all made the jokes about being old so many times that we're starting to actually believe it, but, the thing is, we've barely lived a quarter of our lives. We've all gotten these ideas so firmly planted in our minds that we're adults and have to settle into our lives already, yet I still have panic attacks at the thought of committing to an apartment lease for more than a year. I know that there are a lot of people who think they have their lives totally figured out and know exactly what they want to do, and to them I say "Congrats!" That really is wonderful. But I am resolutely not one of those people, and I am really sick of being made to feel like some kind of a failure because I don't know what I want to do with my life at the ripe old age of 24. Baby Boomers and The Greatest Generation love to talk about how by the time they were my age they were married with kids and a job. That's what they wanted. That's what they had to do. They're from a time where having a college degree guaranteed a job that you would stay in until you retired. That's not how it works any more. It's 2013 and the economy is in the toilet, so if I want to screw around for a few years and be poor and live in a bunch of different places, that's my decision. It doesn't mean I'm lazy (though I am, extremely) or not as intelligent/talented as the people my age who've mapped out their next 60 years (I'm not), it just means that I'm taking full advantage of all of the opportunities that people in the preceding generations wish they had had. I am a child-adult, and I'm proud of it.

Peace Up, A-town Down

I'm back in Athens. I have never been happier with any decision I've ever made in my life ever. That might sound like hyperbole, but, I assure you, it's not. As the three of you reading this probably know, I spent the last almost year in NYC, and it was something. I'm not sure what, but it was definitely something. A friend of my recently compared his time in New York to being at summer camp, and I'm going to steal that analogy here. Much like going away to summer camp, New York is fun and exciting and you do all sorts of things that you'd never do anywhere else, but, also like summer camp, it starts to wear you out. Plus, I was always the kid at summer camp who stayed awake the whole last night, because I was so excited about going home.
Well, I think that's enough about NY, let's move on. If you've never been to Athens, GA, I don't even know what you're doing with your life. It is one of my top favorite places on Earth. You might be saying to yourself, "But Julia, you've lived in New York and Italy, you've traveled all over the south of France, how could some tiny town in northeastern Georgia be one of your favorite places?" And to you I say, "Why do you know so much about my life, weirdo?" But then I will tell you why Athens is the greatest, and wherever you live/went to college/lived formerly really can't compete. Don't try disagreeing with me, your opinion is wrong.
Here's why:
-It's quaint as shit. Not only is downtown Athens adorably old-fashioned, but most of the neighborhoods around town look like something out of a fucking Norman Rockwell illustration. There's a farmer's market going on down the street right now. Is anything more quaint than a farmer's market? I think not.
-The inhabitants are easily as weird (or weirder) than the so-called "freaks" in New York. I've been sitting downtown for about 2 hours now and have seen around a baker's dozen people that I can't tell if they're currently stoned or have just gotten stoned so often that their faces just look that way. Basically, if people watching was an Olympic sport, and you medalled by the number of bizarre things you see, someone from Athens would win the gold every year.
-FOOD. People think that just because we're a small town, our restaurants are marginal at best, like in Auburn. That is simply not the case. Between Hugh Acheson, the farm-to-table crowds at Branded Butcher and Farm 255, the 20 or so fine dining establishments located in and around downtown, plus the folks over at Senor Sol (the best authentic Mexican food you'll ever eat outside of Mexico. It's attached to a Shell station), Athens has some of the best food I've ever been around. If you try to tell me you've had a better biscuit than they make at Mama's Boy, you're a liar and a whore.
-BOOZE: Athens has 75 bars in the 10 block area of downtown. Yes, you read that right, 75 BARS IN A 10 BLOCK AREA. There is a bar for every demographic, and some that overcome all demographic boundaries. If you can't find a bar in Athens that you like, stop blaming the bars and go do some soul searching.
-Walker's: This pub and coffee house gets it's own bullet point, because it is simply the best. It is the only place I've found anywhere that you can come in the morning and stay until 2 a.m. You can study (or blog) with a coffee during the day, then make the obvious transition to beer around 4 (let's be realistic, it's more like 3), and just continue into the night. Plus no one gives you dirty looks for just getting one coffee and nursing it for 6 hours while you try to finish a paper that's due at midnight. Walker's is my Cheers. I'm there right now.
-The music scene is just incredible. Of course everyone knows the big names, R.E.M., B-52s, Widespread Panic, Of Montreal, Drive-By Truckers, but there are tons of up-and-comers getting recognition all the time, like Dead Confederate, the Whigs, Venice is Sinking, the Modern Skirts. You can go to a show pretty much any night of the week, and you're basically guaranteed a good time. Plus, lots of comedians come through here, if that's more your scene (it is mine).
-We have a microbrewery right outside of town. On Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays when the weather is nice, you can buy a commemorative Terrapin glass (which roommates have been know to fight over while trying to split them up on move out day) and taste their wide array of beers while enjoying the musical stylings of one of our many aspiring musicians.
-UGA: As a graduate of the enormous university, I would be remiss to not include it on this list. The traditional SEC powerhouse provides a perfect balance to the extreme hipness of the music/art/lit scene. Without the extreme "Southernness" of many of the students, the weirdness might get overwhelming.
-It's just great.

That's it. I defy you to come here and not immediately fall in love. Seriously, try it. The only person I know who doesn't like Athens is my father, but he also doesn't like anything. Don't be like my dad; come to Athens and let it wash over you like so much craft beer.

Let's Get Political

In my spare time (which is most of my time), I have been reading a lot of Vice magazine. Well, I've been reading their website, but that is neither here nor there. For those of you who don't know, Vice was started in the late 80s (early 90s? I don't care enough to look it up), by a Canadian gentleman, and now has offices all over the world. They report on news and movies and music and pop culture and general nonsense. The writing is usually hilarious, and often political. Normally, I'm not one to discuss politics, because it generally just leads to people getting their feelings hurt or getting really pissed off, and, frankly, it's almost impossible to change someone's mind once they're set on something. But, seeing as it is an election year, and seeing as the point of a blog is to share your opinions (I think? Whatever), I guess I'm going to have to go ahead and discuss some of the most ridiculous things I've been reading lately.

DISCLAIMER: I am not here to change anyone's mind. If you disagree with what I say below, well, you're entitled to your opinion, but, just remember, you're not restricted to a single mindset, and change is always often good. ALSO, I'd like to go on record as saying that most politicians, even the ones we want to like and support, say the things they say simply to get support. It's their job. If they don't say things that a lot of people will agree with, they'll lose those jobs. Let's all just try to remember that before we go and start calling people "evil" or "Satan" or "Hitler."

Moving on. The first thing I'd like to discuss is North Carolina's Amendment 1. The fact that this law passed really speaks to the fact that so many people really have no understanding of homosexuality. There are tons of reasons behind this. Maybe they've never met a gay person. Maybe they want so badly to trust their spiritual leaders that they decide to ignore common human decency. Maybe they're just dumb. Whatever the reason, by passing this law the state of North Carolina, a state that has so many wonderful things going for it (UNC, mountains, beaches, I hear Charlotte is lovely, Asheville is amazing, etc.), has decided that not only can they ignore the whole "separation of church and state" thing that this country was founded on, but that homosexuals, single parents, and other non-married couples are basically non-humans. Here's the thing, the thing is, I'm not a judge, but I'm pretty sure creating a law that directly corresponds to a so-called "Christian" (read: not very Christ-like at all) ideal should be un-constitutional. Of course, since there's no mention of religion in the amendment itself, and it was voted on, I guess they've created a nice little loophole for themselves. I just can't imagine that Jesus, a guy that hung out with a prostitute and a tax collector, would be super into any sort of law that made people sub-human. Pretty sure there was no asterisk after "love thy neighbor as thyself" that said "*unless he's a homo, because, I mean, fuck those guys, right?" Some North Carolinians have created the fantastic organization Every1Against1 and made an ad campaign that actually gave me goosebumps. If you are one of the 6 people in America who is on the fence about marriage equality, please check it out. Actually, check it out regardless.

Now, on the opposite side of that same coin, while I fully support marriage equality, I do not support people crapping all over religion, because they say it's anti-equality (which, in my opinion, is just untrue). I don't care what you do or don't believe, if you support equality, then you support everyone's right to his or her own opinion. Mocking someone for believing in God because you don't, or making crude jokes (like calling God the "flying spaghetti monster"), is just creating more hatred. I am Christian, one of my best friends is Jewish and another one of my best friends is atheist. Obviously my beliefs differ from theirs, but I would go to jail before I'd allow someone to take away their rights to have those beliefs. The great thing about America is that it's a free country, as so many of us were fond of saying in childhood. Calling someone's beliefs stupid just because you don't share them doesn't make you any smarter. In reality, it just makes you sound like a self-righteous moron whose own point is so weak that instead of standing up for what you believe in, you simply tear down everyone else.

Next, I saw a really hilarious trailer that is also kind of serious in a way. It's for a new documentary called The Muslims are Coming! about a group of Muslim comedians touring the country. The basic point of the movie is to confront the idea in the U.S. that all Muslims are members of Al-Quaeda. OK. This is insane. Have you ever seen any World War II Nazi propaganda that says that Jews steal babies and are actually vampires? This is the SAME THING. The people at Fox News (and many other networks) have been frothing about Muslims for the past 10 1/2 years, saying that they want to destroy our freedom and all sorts of other non-sensical things. I am not denying that there are Muslim extremists who want to harm Americans, but they are part of an astonishing minority, and I'd wager that extremists of any religion are probably not a good thing. Calling someone a terrorist because he/she is Muslim is like calling someone racist because he/she is white. Sure, you might be right, but you're probably not.

Speaking of insanity, let's talk about women's rights. All sorts of states like Virginia and Kansas and Arizona are coming up with some really horrifying laws about women's health. The most insane, in my opinion, is the bill in Kansas that requires doctors to tell women seeking an abortion that it may cause breast cancer. Um, what? I can't believe abortions cause breast cancer! Mostly because they don't. At least according to this new-fangled "science" thing. Apparently Kansas legislators not only think that women are too simple-minded to be trusted to make their own health care decisions, but that women are in fact so dim-witted that they'll believe this blatant lie. Thank goodness we have all these smart men folk to keep us poor, dumb women from trying to do something as insane as making our own choices in respect to our health!

In short, I find it pretty fucking ironic that so many people are hateful towards Islamic people because they think Islamic people want to destroy our freedom, then those same people turn around and vote for laws that reduce the freedoms of their fellow Americans.

Again, my job isn't to change anyone's mind, nor is it to denigrate anyone's beliefs, I just want everyone to have a good long think about exactly how their opinions, and therefore their votes, might affect others. This has nothing to do with being "liberal" or "conservative", but mostly it has to do with being someone who either cares about his fellow human beings, or someone who only cares about his fellow human beings as long as they're just like him.

Sorry for bringing the heavy. Here's Seth Galifinakis interviewing Sean Penn in "Between Two Ferns" to lighten the mood up a bit. Enjoy! Maybe next week I'll start talking about stupid shit again. I don't really like serious me.

Look At Your Life, Look At Your Choices

Lately, I've been going to a coffee shop to try to get work done, because when I'm at home my non-working mother is too much of a distraction. I know that makes me sound like one of those assholes who goes to Starbucks to "work on my manuscript" just so people will see me and be impressed, but I really cannot get anything done with my mom around, plus I'm doing actual PR work for an actual paycheck, so cool your jets. Moving on, today I was lucky enough to get a little extra entertainment. Instead of just listening to music like I normally do, I happened to sit down right next to two guys who are playing some sort of online video computer game together (sorry I don't know the lingo, I may have been a drama nerd in high school, but at least I wasn't a computer nerd). It seems to be a World of Warcraft-esque game, something with fighting and mining and planes or some shit. It sounds pretty goony. Anyway, the big, fat guy with a goatee and goofy glasses appears to be mentoring the skinny, awkward guy with greasy hair and a chinstrap beard. It's very Obi Wan/Luke meets The Big Bang Theory, which is a show I've watched exactly twice because I live with my parents so stop judging me, you jerks. Honestly, listening to them has made my having an absurd amount of work to do slightly bearable. Obi Wan is also wearing a blue tooth earpiece and discussing weapons and strategy with someone who is not present. From what I've surmised after listening to one side of the conversation, the other person may be in Romania. Cool. Also, the skinny guy is smoking one of those electronic cigarettes that uses water vapor that they advertise on late night television. It's pretty delightful. On a more depressing note, it appears that they are both married, so that makes me feel awesome about myself. I can't get a date, but the two goons who spend their entire Monday playing a computer game together are married? These guys clearly don't have jobs even though they appear to be in their early 30s, they know way too much about and try too hard at online games, and are frankly highly unattractive and they have significant others?! I need to get my act together. On a final note, they are apparently spending actual money to buy weapons and shit for this game. Jesus Christ, guys, look at your lives, look at your choices. I hate everyone.

UPDATE: They just left, and before walking out the door, Obi Wan put on a super sick fedora. Good hat choice, brah. Way to seal the spot for Kewlest Guy. You look super seksi.

Back Where I Come From

Well, after almost exactly 10 months in the city, I've come to a conclusion. I miss the South. I miss driving and having a porch and grass and trees and space. I never thought of myself as a super "Southern" person. I have travelled a bit in my life. I've been to Europe. I speak French. I enjoy meeting people of varied backgrounds. I thought, all of this considered, that New York would be the perfect place for me. I was wrong.
New York is an interesting place. There are over 8 million people in the boroughs, many of whom are not originally from New York or even the United States. At any given time, there are dozens of things to do. It's an exciting place. What I've learned in my time here is that I am not an exciting person. A perfect day to me is one spent drinking beer in the sunshine, maybe playing corn hole with friends, laughing and generally lazing about. New York is not the place for that. New York is the place for cool people. It's where you live if you like constantly being inundated with new sights and sounds and faces. It's where you live if you want to be on the cutting edge of music and fashion and culture. I thought that I wanted those things, but now I realize that I like a slow paced atmosphere. I'm a pretty laid-back person, and New York, as it turns out, is not a laid back town. So, on Tuesday, April 3 at 11:59 a.m. I will board a plane to the South. I'll be living with my parents for a few months before ultimately moving to my favorite place in the world, Athens, GA, in August. Hopefully moving back to Athens will give me the motivation I need to go to grad school. If it does, let's all just keep our fingers crossed that UGA will let me be a student there again.
Because so many people hold New York as the greatest city in the world, I was at first worried that I was some sort of a failure for not being totally happy here, but then I realized that New York being an incredible city does not necessitate my happiness. I think the important thing to remember is that New York is a great city, but you can only be happy in a city if you like cities, no matter how great or shitty. I have learned from my brief time here that I am not in love with cities, and I'm pretty sure cities aren't in love with me. I have nothing against cities, they're great for a visit, but I'm just not ready to commit.
To the people that I have met in the City:
Sorry I didn't really tell any of you I was leaving. I'm really bad at goodbyes. Actually, I'm just really bad at doing anything in person, hence the blog. You're all great, and I'll miss you. Thank you all for everything you did for me. I really do appreciate it, even if I'm not good at showing it.
The long and the short of it is that I came to New York to find myself, and I wasn't here. I think I may be in Athens, but then again, I have a very strong feeling that I may actually be on the West Coast. I'll let y'all know when I figure it out. For now, give me a call if you find yourself in the Portable City (that's Mobile, y'all).

I'm Doing a Cleanse, Because I'm Better Than You

Seeing as cleanses are the hip new thing to do right now, I’m sure you all have tried one, or at least know what they are. For those of you who have been living under a stupid rock, a cleanse is where you only drink weirdo powdered meal replacement things or only eat apples or something equally stupid for a specific number of days then you feel all better and you can be all condescending to your friends. In short, cleanses are really amazing (if you enjoy being condescending to your friends). Because I have around zero self-control and am a lady-child, I decided that there was no way in hell that I’d be able to not eat anything for a week, so instead, I’m just doing a sort of semi-cleanse. I drink a fucking disgusting delicious meal replacement “shake” in the morning and then try to eat grown-up food (meaning not candy and french fries) for the rest of the day. It’s going pretty well, but let me spin you a wee yarn about this grainy, seemingly silt-based, “vanilla” meal shake. I bought it off Gilt Group in a moment of temporary insanity, and have begun drinking it in a moment of sustained insanity. The powder itself looks and smells like cake mix, but, when combined with water as the directions suggest, it tastes like cold, liquid plastic. The worst thing about it is that it doesn’t taste bad enough to not drink it, but it doesn’t taste good enough to try to actually do a full cleanse. So now I’m stuck in a weird cleanse limbo, and I fear that I shall be here for the rest of my days. Farewell, society. I’ll miss you.

Valentine's Day

Finally, it's everyone's favorite pseudo-holiday: Valentine's Day! Since you're single (because there's no way you're reading this blog if you have absolutely anything better to do), I thought I'd share some of my best things to do alone on Valentine's. Not to brag, but I've had 23 years of experience; I'm kind of an expert on the subject.

-Buy a cat: an obvious choice, I know. But they don't call it a classic without a good reason!
-Eat the entire box of chocolate your roommate's mom sent you, because she feels sorry for you.
-Watch a Law and Order:SVU marathon. It will help to remind you that the outside world is a scary place, no one can be trusted, and you're better off not leaving your apartment anyway!
-Drink alone.
-Read stories of true love on the internet and cry.
-Lay in the fetal position and cry.
-Cry.
-Learn the entire dance from the "Call Your Girlfriend" video.
-Watch Taran Killam's version of the "Call Your Girlfriend" dance 100-200 times.
-Imagine a scenario in which you and Taran perform the dance to the applause of millions.
-Drink more.
-Send weird, passive-aggressive texts to your friends in relationships.
-Tweet feverishly about how you "hate Valentine's Day and it's just a holiday created by the greeting card companies to make money omgggggggg"
-Send yourself flowers. Even though no one will see them but you, because you don't have a job, it helps reinforce the lie. Lying to yourself is very healthy.
-Laugh bitterly about how if you abbreviate Valentine's Day it's VD. That'll show those suckers who are in love hahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha.
-Get a text from your mother that says "HVD! Love you!" and wonder if she understands how that could mean something entirely different and WAY disturbing.
-Blog.

Remember: being alone on Valentine's Day can be a good thing. Sure, you don't get presents (except maybe a bunch of chocolate from your roommate's mom) and no one tells you how much they love you/how pretty you are/how they can't imagine life without you, but you also don't have to shower or be nice to anyone all day. I love any excuse to not be nice to anyone all day. Also, I just want you all to know that I think of you as my Valentines. You love me, right? Right??? RIGHT???????????????????????

Note: That is a real screen grab of a real conversation had by my 5 oldest friends and me. We're such assholes. In all fairness to us, Perrin was joking. As an added piece of fun, everyone has decided that whenever someone gets engaged, all of us will respond with "I'm vomiting."